


Remember When My Heart Was Filled With Gold

by wayfindering



Series: Towards The Sun - The First Year [8]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Feels, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, I didn't mean for this to happen, M/M, Multi, RikuRoku - Freeform, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sunrises, Sunsets, i hope someday you can forgive me, i'm so sorry i really truly am, rikurokuweek, rikurokuweek2019, roxas swears and boy does he really deserve it in this one, sorikuroku if you squint kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 15:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20473139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wayfindering/pseuds/wayfindering
Summary: In which I take liberties with the ending of KH3 and then we go post. aka, Sora vanishes and Riku and Roxas have to deal with that.





	Remember When My Heart Was Filled With Gold

**Author's Note:**

> TW; spoiler alert sora is not dead BUT they think he is so grief processing happens and it's sad, be warned.
> 
> rikuroku week 2019 || day 7 prompt - meeting at sunrise/set

_It was at sunset that Riku broke._

Roxas watched it happen in slow motion. He didn’t even have time to process--adrenaline kicked in and his mind burned white-hot with the flickering speed of his fractured thoughts.

The beach. A race. Their friends around them. Peace. One year after the battle of the Keyblade Graveyard. Their new normal.

Something sizzled and singed the air, coming in on lines of searing _ wrongness _ and they all turned as one.

Sora's heart, larger than life for one shining moment, blossomed out from the corrupted reality and unfolded petals of protection to leave his precious cargo on the beach. Kairi.

Then he was gone, a flickering candle blown out, dissolving into sparks.

Silence fell but a lancing pain screamed through Roxas’s chest and a sob was wrenched from his throat. The pain was from _Riku,_ his heart reeling and jagged at the edges like it had just been ripped apart.

Roxas thought someone went to Kairi, then. But he couldn't turn away, his soul in his eyes and fixated on Riku.

For one horrible, breathless second Roxas waited for his own heart to make the same sound, to break out of him in agonising finality when Riku followed Sora into that distorted darkness.

But Riku fell to his knees, one hand helplessly holding onto sand, the other clutched at his chest like he might be able to rip the rest of his heart out and spare himself the pain.

Then Roxas was there in front of him, pulling him up, holding on like he could hold them both together with nothing but his hands, selfish relief bitter on his tongue. Riku clung to Roxas, first in shocked silence and then in heaving, wracking sobs.

Riku's hurt was overwhelming, drowning out Roxas's capacity to hear any other hearts, any other sounds but the inconsolable heartbreak in his arms, any other words but his own soothing, shaky pleas for the universe to make this right.

It wasn't until well after sundown that Riku calmed, and Roxas with him. They were alone on the beach in the creeping night and he had a vague recollection of telling the others to go home.

Feelings, distant and foggy, were coming back to Roxas now. He didn't welcome them. His knees ached from holding the same position for hours, his shoulders stiff for the same reason. A softer, sadder beat was noticeable under the reverberating wreck of Riku's heart now--his own heart, tempered by a numbness he clung to.

They knelt in silence for a time, the waves crashing in a familiar rhythm.

"I don't know how to live without him."

The words slammed into Roxas, a blow to the stomach, but he was too spent for even one more gasp. The first words Riku had said in hours, voice raw with emotion. Broken.

Roxas pulled back and moved his shaking hand to smooth the hair out of Riku's face. He was a picture of tragedy: lost and despairing, teal eyes blue in the dim light. Roxas could barely meet them; they threatened to drown him again.

"I don't either," Roxas whispered truthfully. He cradled Riku's head in both his hands, leaning forward to gently rest their foreheads together. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I don't either."

\----

_It was at sunset that Roxas said goodbye._

He hadn't until now, not properly. The memorial had been here for three months but he'd avoided it.

In a lot of ways, even Riku was doing so much better than Roxas; _ Riku _was actually grieving. It was difficult and messy and confusing, but it lead to healing. Roxas...felt fine. That didn’t seem like a good sign.

He knew he couldn’t be fine; why had he avoided the memorial for so long? He was too smart to be fooled by his own brain. But it was easy to ignore as long as there were more pressing matters. He’d always been better at shoving his own feelings down, especially when there were other people he needed to help.

But Riku was healing. He had Roxas, and Naminé, and Xion, and Mickey, and Aqua, and everyone else to lean on; he had his duties and assignments and hobbies and every day small new joys as he realised he could keep living.

Everyone was settling back into the new normal they’d begun over a year ago. In some ways, nothing had changed.

In others, everything had changed. Sora wasn’t on his way back to them. Any ongoing research into where he might be and how to find him was pointless. Although, Roxas thought some of them had decided that long before the beach.

Even Kairi was learning how to fit in. She was among the first to get over her grief, and Roxas realised she’d been preparing for this outcome for years. That was almost the saddest part of this all.

They were shattered—they would always be shattered—but they were learning how to live with that. All of them except Roxas, who didn’t seem to need it. He just...was.

Lately Riku had been asking him odd questions. Like, what kinds of pain Roxas was able to feel. What did that even mean? Leading questions about what he wanted to do today, sometimes. And Roxas kept catching Riku’s concerned glances out of the corner of his eye.

“I’m okay, you know,” Riku had said softly last night, cupping Roxas’s cheek with his hand, peppering his face in reassuring kisses. He’d gotten harder and softer in so many subtle new ways, the past three months, but he was still Riku. “You don’t have to keep it all in. It’s only going to hurt you more. You’re allowed to feel, too.”

Riku was right. He couldn’t avoid himself forever. But it had been too long, now, and Roxas wasn’t sure where to start.

So he’d come to Sora’s memorial.

He stood awkwardly in front of the short pillar of stone, red-gold light casting shadows on his uncertain face, scratching the back of his neck and glancing around. The courtyard was empty, though. He couldn’t put it off.

“H-hey,” he started lamely. “Fuck, this is awkward. I’m talking to a rock. I know a lot of people do—I know Riku still comes out here all the time. I just. I’ve never done anything like this. Talking to my boyfriend’s dead best friend. It’s supposed to be cathartic or some shit, I don’t know. Even though you aren’t _ here_.”

His voice cracked on the last word and Roxas ran his hands up through his hair and _ pulled, _ making a frustrated noise. “Which is the whole problem! You not being here! What’s _ up _ with that, Sora?”

He started pacing, words tumbling out before he could think about them. “It’s not fair! You were supposed to come back. To us, to _ Riku, _ to me. Riku—Riku _ believed _ in you. Not just to get Kairi. To come home yourself, you _ asshole!” _

Roxas was yelling at the rock, now, voice echoing on the stone walls of the courtyard but he didn’t care. He pointed accusingly at the memorial. “And you let him down, you let all of us down, and Riku deserves _ better _ and your friends deserve to see you again and Kairi doesn’t even feel guilty about it and I don’t know how to be mad about that because she shouldn't: _ you _ should.”

The ground was hard enough to bruise Roxas’s knees as he fell to them, voice strangled and choked, something hot bubbling up inside him that he hadn’t known was there. It burned behind his eyes and he clenched his fists.

“But you’re not_ here _ for me to yell at and I _ hate _ you!”

Did he? The words reverberated around his skull. “I...I never even got to know you, before you left,” he continued after a minute, the words softer now. “But in some ways, I know you as well as I know myself. I know your heart from the inside. Knew. You...did so much for me and Xion, and for everyone.”

Roxas reached out with hesitant fingertips and brushed the side of the rough stone slab. Maybe hate was too strong a word, after all.

“You believed in me as much as Lea did, before anyone else remembered to care. Maybe it was dumb but I...always thought we’d be friends. For real. We shared almost all the same people. It...it kind of felt like we already were.”

Stuttering breath choked him but he couldn’t bear to stop. Everything. It had to be everything or nothing, so now it was everything. “You...were precious to me, Sora. A shelter. A warmth in the dark.”

All his ire had untangled itself and the lump in his throat finally won out. Tears blurred his vision and he crumpled in on himself, fists pressed to his face, wiry frame hunched over as he wept.

Roxas wasn’t sure how much time passed, the sun nearly gone when he finally got his breathing back under control. Was he supposed to feel better? He wasn’t sure. He certainly felt _ more, _now.

Something small flickered in his chest. It wasn’t peace, but it was a start.

“I don’t think we’ll ever be okay without you,” he admitted quietly. “I don’t think we’ll ever be over it. I think something in Riku will always be missing, and something in me, too. We’ll always wish you were still around the next corner. And, you know, I think I’ll always be a little pissed off at you for that. But, thank you.”

Roxas dragged himself off the ground and took a deeper breath than he’d been able to in ages. He let it out in a huff and reached back out to the stone. He didn’t think he’d do this again; he wasn’t Riku. He didn’t have a lifetime to process. As much as he wanted one. Time to say goodbye.

Words that had come so easily a moment ago tripped over themselves as he reached for the right ones.

“You...made a good other.”

——

_But it was at sunrise that the sky unfolded before them._

Roxas stumbled out onto the roof of the keyblade school, partially from the uneven light of the pre-dawn dusk and partially from sleepiness.

Riku was perched on the edge of the stone rim, one foot dangling off the side and one tucked up on the ledge. A dragon draped elegantly atop his cavern, surveying the world.

“Hey,” he said.

“I got your note last night when I got back in; you were already asleep,” Roxas responded, shaking his head free of metaphors. He was still half-dreaming. “You’re such a nerd. Why did you make me meet you out here at absolute ridiculous o’clock?”

“Because, loser, I wanted to show you something.” Riku smirked and held out his hand invitingly. Roxas couldn’t resist.

“What, your aggravating morning competence?” he snarked, taking the hand and letting the customary flutter in his chest wake him up further.

“Well, that’s half of it.”

“What’s the other half?”

Riku helped Roxas get situated on the ledge and wrapped an arm around him. Roxas tucked into Riku’s side and held onto the hand at his shoulder, praising the Light once again for their height difference.

“The sunrise.”

Riku always got up to watch the sunrise. It was one of his oldest rituals. Roxas found out awhile after they’d started dating, when Riku crawled back into bed to catch a couple more hours of sleep and woke Roxas up, still not used to sharing a bed.

Riku had divulged the information like a precious secret, kept close to his chest—the sunrises and sunsets that he collected from every world. And apparently, the Land of Departure’s sunrises were the best.

Roxas had to admit it was beautiful. Even before the sun crested the horizon, deep purples gave way to majestic pinks, shot through with rays of pure gold. The gradient was unparalleled and the scope felt consuming—they could see out to a perfect horizon, the sky stretching in hues of summer romance and sweet wines unobstructed on every side.

His boyfriend was such a romantic. He grinned lazily and laced his fingers with Riku’s.

The sun came up.

Out of nowhere, a jolt of pure lightning struck down Roxas’s spine and he heard a shout—it took him a moment to realise it had come from his own mouth.

He bolted upright, scrambling backwards off the ledge to the roof and whipping his head around, trying to identify what he was even feeling. It was too overwhelming, like looking at the sun and trying to see its shape. He looked frantically at Riku.

Ringing ears, spinning head, was he dying? No. Something was coming. Something was here.

For a moment he couldn’t tell what Riku was saying. He was on his feet, too, hands reaching for Roxas’s shoulders, giving them a little shake, concern deepening the lines on his face.

Sound faded back in like someone turned the volume back up in his brain and Roxas focused on his breathing. “What the fuck was that?"

“Roxas! What’s going on?”

Riku couldn’t feel it, then? Of course not—it was a heart. Only Roxas could feel hearts. Whose heart, then…?

“I, I don’t kn—“

The identity of the heart solidified as it settled into reality and Riku’s teal eyes flew wide. He could feel it too. He drew in a ragged gasp, fingers digging into Roxas’s arms. One hand broke free and clutched at his chest.

“Sora!”

Roxas found himself grabbed by the hand and pulled along down the stairs, still light-headed, barely keeping balance, Riku’s death grip affording him no mercy.

The world spun around him as they ran, but the wattage on the heart was finally turned down enough for Roxas to see and his brain was catching up with him, thoughts scattered and messy.

Of course Riku had felt it, too. Riku would be able to feel Sora, of all people, anywhere he existed. Existed. Sora existed. Giddy laughter bubbled up out of him.

They spilled out into the front courtyard, Roxas gasping for breath and barely keeping up with Riku’s long, desperate strides—fucking long-legged cheater. He giggled madly again, unsure what else to do with the energy fizzing out of his very skin.

Riku finally let go of his hand as they passed under the front gate. A dread filled Roxas, suddenly, a horrible sinking feeling mingling with the flight of hope to send his heart stuttering and whirling off-course.

Was that the last time Riku would hold his hand? Why did he think that?

On any other occasion Roxas would have slumped to the ground. But he had to be here so istead he gripped the nearest stone pillar, feeling the roughness against his hands, and leaned on it for support as he got his breath back. He was surprised to find he was still happy.

_ Sora. _ It _ was _ him, keyblade drawn, looking around warily, like he was afraid this wasn’t real.Hope danced across Sora’s features and laced through his heart. Roxas could relate.

“Sora!” Riku called, almost frantic, racing toward the boy.

Sora’s face broke into a delighted grin and he dropped his keyblade just in time for Riku to whirl him around in a tight hug. Their hearts were shining so brightly, something clicking into place with such a _ rightness _ that Roxas couldn’t bring himself to move forward and interrupt them. They clung to each other, sobbing and laughing and wordless.

Their hearts were _singing, _he realised. It was beautiful.

Roxas realised he was crying too when the teardrops started falling on his arm. He laughed softly at himself and rubbed his eyes, sniffing once.

How had Sora made it back? Had he literally come back from the dead? What was that feeling buried in the too-bright moment when his heart had snapped back to this place--possibly into existence at all. It was familiar. The sensation of...remembering.

Roxas shook his head. He was sure they'd find out soon.

Sora really did look like death, though you could barely tell under the breezy joy radiating off him at the moment.

Another sensation wedged its way into Roxas's head--apparently it was just a goddamned party of unwelcome emotions this morning. Guilt like rancid butter stained his thoughts. If Sora had been out there somewhere, and they'd given up on him...he'd had to claw his way back here only to find his friends had decided to move on.

“Roxas!” Sora called, and he looked up in surprise to see the boy dashing over. Precious warmth bloomed in Roxas's chest at the gift of Sora's attention but he wasn't sure he deserved it.

Somehow there was still a spring in Sora's step. What a bastard. Roxas couldn’t keep himself from smiling back, eyes still streaming, heart still confused.

When Sora got closer, Riku just a pace behind him, their hands interlocked, Roxas felt another stab of that dread from earlier. For all his talk a year ago, now that he was faced with the two of them together, and all that _rightness, _he wasn't so sure either of them would want to share with a romantic partner, even if they were platonic. It was...it was so much.

The little things were what he noticed most in moments like this, Roxas realised, as he watched Riku’s eyes take in Sora’s face like he never wanted to look away again, and Sora’s hand squeeze Riku's tightly before letting go so he could approach Roxas.

But as Sora bundled him up in a hug, Roxas forgot all that. He fell apart, melting into Sora, arms tight around the other’s shoulders. _ Sora,_ a heart so familiar it scared him. Shelter, comfort, and all the warmth of the world. And he was being _held_ by it.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed into Sora's shoulder. "I couldn't feel you anymore and I gave up on you and I'm so sorry."

Through the chaos he could feel Riku's heart fretting, something he'd attuned his senses to awhile ago, but he couldn't make sense of why.

"Oh, Roxas," Sora almost-laughed, "no, no. It's okay. I _was_ gone. You couldn't have found me. No one could. I had to prove myself before I could come back. I didn't want you to have to miss me so much, though. I'm the one who's sorry, okay?"

"...Okay."

Swirling, muddled negativity drained out of Roxas like the ground was soaking it up. And as Sora pulled back, Roxas felt himself caught in the spotlight of a sunshine smile and flushed.

“I’ve, uh, I’ve never felt one of your hugs before. Not for real,” he managed, hoping he didn’t look too starstruck as he wiped his eyes. "Thanks."

“I guess we’ll have to make up for lost time, then!” Sora chirped.

Someone must have heard the commotion outside, because shouting and assorted noises suddenly sounded behind Roxas. Sora looked over his shoulder, caught sight of everyone piling out of the keyblade school, and took off at another run to meet up with them.

He probably didn’t know the meaning of the word “rest,” Roxas thought fondly, mind a pleasant haze, face still a blotchy mess.

Riku didn’t join Sora, though, he noticed. Then to Roxas’s surprise, Riku stepped up behind him and wrapped his long arms around Roxas’s shoulders, pressing his face into Roxas’s hair and watching Sora greet all their friends. Relief and desperate hope wrapped around his middle in a tight grip.

Sora's heart hadn't washed him away, out of Riku's sight.

Roxas brought his hands up and hung onto Riku’s arms, leaning slightly back into the hug, trying not to cry even more.

He tilted his head up slightly to see Riku’s eyes dancing, something about him satisfyingly _ whole _ in a way Roxas had stopped noticing was fractured. There were still seams along the cracks and joins, and they’d have to be smoothed over and sorted out eventually.

Riku looked back down at Roxas and grinned. Roxas tried a watery smile in return.

"He's really something," Roxas whispered.

Riku, his heart too full for words, just pressed his lips to Roxas’s forehead and squeezed him tighter. They’d have to talk, too. But not yet.

They'd have to figure out where Sora had been, get him slotted back into their lives, rearrange every dynamic and sort out _so _many of what Lea liked to call plot points.

For now, though, it was enough to stand there, wrapped up in his boyfriend, and bask in the whirlwind of hearts aglow with wonder and disbelief and joy.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you stary for running the rkrk week and prompts! thank you everyone for reading! i'll write more on this, at some point, because I set myself up for sorikuroku and now I really wanna have a go. but rkrk week is over so it might be a bit.
> 
> also yes I know my happy ending was unearned and he just fucken appeared back and everyone's happy but idc I don't want to write thousands of words of plot to get sora back, I just want to move on to sorikuroku. fight me.


End file.
